I admit it-- Christianity suffers from an "uncoolness" factor

When most people hear the words “Christian Missionary,” several images come to mind-- at the forefront is usually a comical image of two guys tied back to back, immersed in a black caldron, while some bone-thru-the-nose head-hunter tries to get a fire going.

Why this image?

Is it all those Far-Side cartoons? All the off-color jokes? Or is it reality? After all, back in the old days, Missionaries were often quite likely to go from a meeting and greeting to a beating and eating in less time than it takes for the average televangelist to cement his hair in place.

Then again… perhaps, it’s something simpler. Maybe upon hearing the words “Christian Missionary” we envision ourselves in the pot, praying that soon we’ll be cooked, sliced up, and served like so many chicken salad sandwiches, thus avoiding a lecture by a Missionary about our shortcomings and sins. I, for one, know the latter described me for most of my life. (Bring water to boil and add spices, but please, hold the lecture.)

Then, well, then I became a Christian myself. And much to my amazement, no one’s lectured me-- Missionary, Priest, or Layperson, the truth be known. Four years and counting, and not so much as a, “Sit up straight and get your elbows off the alter, young man.” No one’s demanded I sign over my paychecks…no one’s investigated my weekly beer consumption…and no one’s asked me to “join them onstage” for a crying contest.

How can this be?

For many years, I took great pleasure in mocking Christians as hypocritical. In fact, during pre-marital counseling I told my church’s assistant rector, “I don’t go to church because it’s full of hypocrites.” He responded, “Well, the gym is full of fat people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work out there, does it?”
He had a point. I begrudgingly went to church.

And somehow, I became a Christian. And if that didn’t shock me enough, beginning this January I’m going to become involved in some mission work. The editor of this fine newspaper asked that I share some thoughts about Christianity, and how I went from being an agnostic to believer. I’m a looooong shot from being an expert, and qualify as little more than a beginner, but I am happy to share the things I’ve discovered that got me over the skeptical hills that for so long stood in my way.

However, before I begin discussing the answers I’ve encountered during my walk down this path, I think I should touch on the one of the issues that plagues Christianity. Namely, it’s uncoolness…especially when you consider all the other options out there.

Take for instance being a Buddhist. How cool is that? You get to meditate, and do inner searching, and hang up cool banners with those chicken-scratchy symbols. As an added benefit, people think you might go from serene to karate chopping everyone like that dude on Kung Fu, so folks keep their distance. Throw in a couple dragon tattoos, and you’re the king of cocktail conversation.

How about Hindus? That’s pretty cool-- sure, you can’t eat hamburgers, but you get reincarnated if you screw things up in this life. And even if you’re demoted to being, say, a platypus, you can work your way back to humanhood if you keep your bill to the grindstone for a few short years. Once you’re back, well, you can still party like it’s 1999, because apparently you get unlimited mulligans.

Of course, the coolest of all religions, which is favored among most younger folks, is the McReligion of The Great Spirit. This is a generalized rip-off of the religion of the American Indians, and has a loose confederation of beliefs best articulated after about 14 beers: Rocks have souls, we all share a life force, everything’s cool, and you don’t need to bother the Great Spirit unless you really need something. As long as you’re a “good person” and don’t hunt more buffalo than you need, you get to go to the Happy Hunting Ground.

But why is Christianity so uncool?

I think it’s because its “brand” has been hijacked by televangelists, fundamentalists, and some loud-mouths who are a lot more judgmental than Jesus ever was. Of course, the media loves this, and portrays these folks as representing mainstream, middle-of-the-road-to-Damascus Christianity. I mean, how many times have we heard this interview:

Reporter: “Reverend Fundamentalist—Are you saying you don’t believe in dinosaurs?”

Reverend: “That’s correct.”

Reporter: “Well, how do you explain the fact they discovered perfectly fossilized dinosaur bones in your front yard?”

Reverend: “They were planted there by Satan, I’m sure.”

Reporter: “Well, thank you, Reverend, for speaking on behalf of every Christian on the planet.”

I’m afraid there’s not much I can do about the uncoolness of Christianity. The deck is stacked too heavily against me. But what I can do is try to explain in layman’s terms some of the things I’ve discovered about the faith through reading, listening, and studying.

Christianity is not simple…but why should it be? Physics isn’t simple, and what would you say to a freshman physics student who attends class for a few weeks, then announces, “I’m dropping physics, because I’ve looked into it, and I haven’t found an explanation for the theory of relativity that I find understandable. In fact, I hereby proclaim the theory of relativity as irrelevant and untrue, and I plan to argue its validity with anyone who brings it up.”

I’m thinking you’d say, “Well, lad, better minds than yours have committed their lives to the study of that theory. Maybe you should do a little more lookin’ into it before you proclaim it as false.”

If my analogy makes sense to you, give a look back here in The Mercury for this column during slow news weeks…I’ll explain to you what I’ve found during my walk.