Discovering Bluffton, SC

During the past year, my wife and I lived in Bluffton, SC, working as Alpha missionaries at The Church of the Cross. Our job there was to run two Alpha courses, and train their volunteers to run the course when we were gone.

I found, as usual, that God used this time to open my eyes to new insights, just as He’d done when we worked up in Maryland earlier this year. Here are a few things I discovered:

First, I was shocked and horrified to find that the Charleston Area did not receive all of God’s design and beautification talents when He made South Carolina. To make this unnerving discovery worse, at some point during the past decade tens of thousands of people snuck into Bluffton and bought beautiful homes on beautiful property, without so much as swinging by Charleston and telling us, “Gee, I wish I lived here.”

And the most agonizing part? When you tell someone in Bluffton you live in Charleston, they don’t act all jealous and tell stories about their last visit to the Holy City. For a Charlestonian, this is not only surreal, it’s even a little rude. After all, what are we going to talk about if not about how lucky I am to live in Charleston? You?

Second, I discovered that God’s pristine beauty can be confusing, frightening and more than a little dangerous. How can this be? Well, let me build a mental picture for you: Picture the stores, traffic, and general unpleasantness of Rivers Avenue during the Christmas shopping season. Then, shrink all of the store signs to the size of your wallet, chainsaw down the street lights and dim all other exterior lighting to 4 watts, eliminate the frontage roads, and hide everything behind a tree.

What have you got? The picturesque highway that runs through Bluffton, a road beloved by both wildlife and the entire “car crash” industry.

It is, to coin a phrase, aesthetically pleasing insanity, where finding a store requires a map, a navigator, and a GPS coordinate. I mean, hey—I love nature too, but that doesn’t mean I want to get eaten by a grizzly bear when I go for a hike. Can someone please at least give me a hint where the Zippy Mart is?

The third thing we discovered is that comedian Jeff Foxworthy was wrong when he said, “If the directions to your house include the words turn on the dirt road, you might be a redneck.” The truth is that in Bluffton, the words turn on the dirt road may as well translate as “turn into the area way too expensive to bother with a silly guard or gate.” If Bluffton is any indication, I’m fairly certain that when we die we’ll walk towards the light, then turn left on the dirt road.

Fourth, we finally saw Del Webb’s development Sun City. Sun City is an extraordinarily unique residential community for folks over the age of 55, which boasts a rule that female residents are not allowed to get pregnant. Apparently, however, the men are required to look like they are.

Fifth, I discovered that God has begun to bless me with a little bit of wisdom in my old age. How do I know this? I’ll tell you: I was invited to join a Church of the Cross men’s group on a three-day hike in Pisgah National Forest; they all assumed that since I was a former Marine, I’d love it. I attended the pre-hike meeting, where I heard such words as “intense gains in altitude,” and “freeze-dried meals,” and “be prepared for when it rains.” I’m sorry, did I just hear the words “be prepared for when it rains?” The only way I want to hear those words is if they are in conjunction with the boarding procedures of the helicopter that will be evacuating us to a Holiday Inn “when it rains.” And freeze-dried meals? Intense gains in altitude?

Sure, I could survive that stuff for Corps, Country, and a lousy paycheck, but for free? For fun?

When the email came to the men’s group with the final details, the Lord gave me the wisdom I needed. I replied to the group, “Dear men, I’m afraid I must bow out the hike. I do this not because I’m afraid for myself, but afraid for you. Why? Because if it rains, you will have no choice but to kill me in order to silence my complaining. I simply cannot put you in that position. Plus, I have a pedicure appointment.” For me, this was a quantum leap forward in the wisdom department.

Sixth, I discovered that, if you let Him, God will help you put things in the proper perspective, which I learned when I was invited on a deer hunt at an ultra-exclusive deer hunting club. Upon arrival, I was told does could be taken for free, but bucks came with a $500 tariff. Needless to say, within the hour I was looking through my scope at the largest 8-point buck I’d ever seen, and doing some Enron-level checkbook gymnastics to work him into our budget.

Ultimately, I knew the reality of the situation, so I burned an image of that big fellow on my brain, and watched while he walked away. He’s not on my wall, but he’s in my memory, and somehow that seems just as good.

And finally, I’d have to say we learned, once again, about how God builds and blesses His church. You see, the Church of the Cross is exploding with growth, to the point they are building an entirely new campus to meet the needs of the young families who are joining. Why is God catalyzing this? Because He’s pleased with the message the clergy there is preaching, which is a clear, concise, orthodox version of His word. He’s pleased with the parishioners, who are donating their time, talent, and treasure. And He’s pleased with their overall mission, which they describe as “rooted in the past, sheltering the present, reaching out to the future, empowered by the God of the ages.”

The Episcopal Church may be in trouble in some parts of the United States, but in Bluffton it’s doing just fine.