Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

When something is funny, it’s best to admit it.

The problem with most “sacrilegious” humor is that it isn’t genuinely funny, and us Christians are accused of being humorless for not laughing. I can almost assure you, however, you will laugh when you learn more about The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

According to Wikipedia, “the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the god of a parody religion created by Bobby Henderson in 2005. It was created to protest the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution.” Mr. Henderson sent to the School Board a full explanation of the “religion,” which states that the universe was created by—a Flying Spaghetti Monster. His demand, in short, was that the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster be taught as one of the theories of Intelligent Design, because “just as much evidence supports this claim as the claims of Christians.”

As part of his presentation, he launched the website www.venganza.org, complete with full details and illustrations. Among the more hilarious “church” beliefs is that the increase in global temperatures is related directly to the decrease in the number of pirates among us. (For some reason, Pirates are sacred to followers, who are now known as Pastafarians).

For complete details, it would be necessary to visit the website, where—in a moment of enlightenment—you may be fortunate enough to be “touched by His noodly appendage.”

Mr. Henderson’s Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster got me thinking, and it occurred to me that his stance at least utilizes the same string of faith we use in Christianity. So I began to ponder, study, and investigate the Evolutionists’ claims, which are based on the Scientific Method of peer review, and actual physical proof. Yes, a few of their ideas are “mere” theory, but it’s all very scientific. And science is irrefutable, because it’s science, and scientists wear lab coats. On top of that, science has never been wrong, or changed its stance on anything, because peers reviewed it, which adds up to a lot of guys in lab coats nodding along in agreement.

Utilizing the scientific method, I have discovered different laws concerning the creation of the Universe, and the Evolution of the Species. I stand ready to defend my work via Peer Review, and I believe that it will stand up to the most rigorous criticism, as it is largely just a more insightful analysis of existing, accepted scientific laws and theories. Yes, my theory may make me seem brilliant, visionary, and ingenious… but it is only because I am standing on the shoulders of giants.

Here are the facts: My research indicates that the most powerful force in the Universe is The Law of Convenient Parking, and since the dawn of time all energy and all matter has been focused on the realizing this ultimate goal.

Take for instance the time before there was a Universe. (We must address this because there is no physical proof supporting the concept of forever, which clearly indicates the Universe couldn’t have been around forever). All that existed was a single primordial atom, which had been there forev… never mind. There was a single primordial atom. And because there is absolutely no decent parking inside an area the size of an atom, this atom was driven by The Law of Convenient Parking (CP Law) to explode, thus creating the ample space needed for the fulfillment of The CP Law. The CP Law is clearly supported by the fact that galaxies in the outer reaches of the Universe are expanding rapidly away for us, as they must-- because in order to achieve Convenient Parking in a perpetual way, new space must always be created.

With the Universe launched, and adequate space available to achieve convenient parking, matter and energy began working in unison to create the proper elements needed for parking.

Within the Law of Convenient Parking, there is, of course, the Law Of Light, which states simply that no parking can be truly convenient unless it is adequately lighted. As a result, the newly created molecules in the Universe were first draw together to burst into flames and form suns. With adequate lighting in place, we then give way to the Alexander’s Flatness Law, which states that if adequate lighting is available, all non-lighting-specific matter will be drawn together, in order to form a surface suited to flatness. As a result, all the matter in the Universe, over trillions of years, began to come together as balls with flat spaces on them, which we now refer to as planets.

Fast-forward a few billion years. The earth is now formed, and there is lots and lots of space available for parking. See the new problem? No need for parking.
No problem. Within the CP Law there is also the Desire for Parking Theory, which states that all life is driven by the inner need for convenient parking. So, at some point, life appeared on the planet earth. How? Not sure, but believe me there’s a scientific explanation for it. And I’m certain that this scientific explanation will one day show that it was a single cell organism, because—Hey, Look! It’s the Bigfoot! Did you see him? No? Wow, bummer.

Anyway, life appeared as a single cell organism, and this organism was driven by its desire to develop and utilize convenient parking. As a result, it mutated, and mated, and spawned, and grew, and generally worked like hell to figure out how to grow the appendages, eyeballs, and nervous system required to convert flat spaces into parking. Needless to say, this took a long, long, long, long time, because it takes a lot of trial and error to move from living in the sea, to living on the land. Fortunately, we now have undisputable proof this occurred, due to the very recent discovery of the missing link, complete with fins that are structured like hands. Water breathing gills then evolved into air-breathing lungs, as shown by—Hey! Bigfoot! Look! Missed him again? Too bad.

With creatures now on land, the Desire for Parking Theory really kicked in, as creatures evolved into the most amazing array of shapes and sizes. Once a specific species finished evolving, and discovered they had no need for parking, they would die off, as The Law of Convenient Parking is always the overriding law-- and any life not driven by a need for parking is doomed to extinction. This is a proven fact throughout all of natural history.

Inevitably, and in accordance with the CP Law, eventually Man evolved. The amazing thing about the story of Man is that despite the fact that Man lacked fur to keep him warm, and tusks or claws or teeth to defend himself, or speed to escape predators, or exceptional sight, hearing or smell, or any natural camouflage whatsoever, he survived and thrived.

Why? The opposable thumb. Man took one look at that opposable thumb and said, “Me hold shovel to dig and level. Me hold handles of wheelbarrow to pour concrete. Me hold paintbrush to paint yellow lines. Me…park.”

“Me… park.” Those two words changed everything, as man had evolved within himself a need for convenient parking like no animal before him.

And thus, history began to unfold… directly in accordance with the science outlined in the CP Law.

Earliest man’s migration around the globe? Scouting for potential parking lots.

Early civilization? All roads led to Rome, where there was ample convenient parking.

Border wars between every region on the globe for tens of thousands of years? The desire for the other’s parking spaces.

Early belief that the world was flat? As nothing more than living matter, it’s hard-wired into our evolutionary DNA because of Alexander’s Flatness Law.

The European expansion around the globe through colonization? The need for cheap labor to build more convenient parking.

America’s expansion westward? A desire for flat land, which required less site prep to become parking.

The invention of the car? Something to park. The Industrial Revolution? The need for thousands of employees to fill the employee parking lot.

The suburban sprawl we see in America? The desire for parking to be even more convenient.

Even today we see the Law Of Convenient Parking driving our every motivation. Parking is the first thing we consider when we build our buildings and our cities. It is the overriding consideration when we develop our neighborhoods. Where we shop. Which gym we join. Which apartment we choose Which restaurants we frequent. Parking… all parking.

Convenient parking even drives the selection of who we date; where we work; and how we recreate. Even the survival of our planet’s animals relate to directly to parking, as only the ones cute enough or scary enough for Zoo/Aquarium duty get any significant natural habitat funding—and who’s going to go to the Zoo if there isn’t any parking?

Clearly, the Law of Convenient Parking is real, true, and well-proven. Everything that made this planet, and makes this planet run, relates to convenient parking.
And as my research is flawless, I will now put it in Park.