Can you decide to go to Heaven?

William? Wake up.

What the…Jesus Christ!

Close, but wrong guy.

What happened?

Your plane crashed.

I’m dead?

Yes, you are.

And who are you?

I’m the cussword guy’s father.

You’re God? As in…God?

I am.

Wow…I’m talking to God.

Here I am.

Wow…so, what happens now?

Well, we need to talk.

About what?

About the decision- you know, whether you’ll spend eternity around me, or someplace else.

Well, uhhh… I don’t think it’s really fair to make a negative decision in my case. I wasn’t through with my life…it’s not my fault the plane crashed.

You weren’t ready…and yet here you are.

So what happens next?

Depends on the decision.

Okay, that’s cool… I can live with that. I was a good person. Besides, I thought you were supposed to be “all forgiving.”

No, I’m “all loving” and “perfectly just.” My Son is the “all forgiving” one. He’s got an unlimited supply of free passes, but you didn’t pick one of those up.

Well, let’s just get Jesus over here to do some forgiving.

Doesn’t work like that. I explained it all it the User’s Guide.

The what?

The Users’ Guide: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. The Bible.

But you’re God. You know how busy I was-- I didn’t have time to try and decipher the Bible.

What were you doing that was so important?

I built the most powerful, influential company in the world with my hands and my brains.

Wow… how’d you do it?

Hard work.

And intelligence?

Okay, sure…if you want me to say it.

You worked hard for your intelligence, you think?

Damn right.

Weren’t born with it? It wasn’t a free gift?

Well, sure…to some degree…but there are lots of smart losers in the world.

Let’s not talk about them…let’s talk about you: How would you describe your life?

Significant.

How so?

I brought personal computers to the masses, which revolutionized modern society.

So you feel like you worked for the good of mankind?

Absolutely. And that should count for something.

But weren’t you rewarded for that work? With billions of dollars?

That’s just money. Money gave me the power to do good.

Really? You never crushed anyone who threatened your power? Never ruined any lives to improve your own?

Well, sure, but that’s business. I gave back billions of dollars to charity.

Oh, that’s good. Whose name did you give it in?

My foundation—we gave away billions.

Did it make you feel good to give it away?

Sure, it made me feel great.

So, you’ve already received your reward for that generosity, right?

What?

Well, it was in your name…and you enjoyed the feeling…so that’s a good return on investment, isn’t it? All you did was give back to your fellow man, and practically everyone does that.

What’s your point?

That you’ve already received rewards for your hard work and your generosity.

Okay, but what I’m saying is I was a good person, and that’s essentially what the Bible tells us to do.

Really? So you did read it?

No, but that’s what it says.

So you think I sent my Son to earth to be beaten, spit on, and nailed to a cross to communicate the message “Just be a good person?”

How should I know? The Bible is long, and confusing, and half the stuff in it doesn’t jive with what we know to be true scientifically. It isn’t my fault it doesn’t seem relevant in today’s world. It’s your Bible.

So you think when I guided it’s writing 2,000 years ago, I should have been more concerned about what you’d think today, than what the people of the early church thought?

Make fun all you want, but times have changed.

Give me an example.

Hard science and technology are the obvious ones-- they can be cross-referenced and shared across the globe. Thanks to me, practically every piece of important data in the world can be at your fingertips.

Wow.

I’m serious. There’s virtually nothing a person or business can’t find out.

So you’re telling me that you, at the top of this pyramid, had more data available to you than anyone in history?

That’s exactly what I’m telling you.

So you had, at your fingertips, not only every translation of the Bible ever written, but all the writings of every brilliant person who ever wrote about it?

If I’d wanted them, sure. But the writers you’re talking about are - you know- they’re all totally-biased religion nuts.

Nuts like the Founding Fathers of the United States?

Like I said, times have changed. Those guys needed religion to understand half the things going on in nature. Today, technology offers real answers.

Technology? A man-made thing offers more “real” answers than me?

More than The Bible, that’s for sure. The software my company created has made unbelievable things possible. We’re mapping DNA, we’re cloning life, and we’re exploring outer space.

You created this software? Out of what?

Mathematics…ones and zeros, actually.

I created those.

Look, I don’t want to play mind games…I just want to get into heaven.

What did you do that makes you worthy?

I made the most of my life. I gave back. I was successful.

Defined by what terms, money? Power?

And advancing the human knowledge.

So Mother Teresa was a failure?

No, she did good work…but let’s be real- who gave more to the world?

In terms of efficiency, or love? I don’t remember commanding people to be efficient in the User’s Manual.

Oh, I get it—because I’m rich and successful, I’m a bad guy. Is that how it works? You can’t be a good person if you’re rich?

Not at all. Billy Graham is quite wealthy.

So what…do you want me to beg?

Did begging work on you?

What’s that mean?

I can show you plenty of video of people begging you for things. Want to watch? See how begging worked on you?

Look, this isn’t fair. You made me, right? So you made me the way I am.

Well, it’s true I made you, but there’s that pesky free will thing.

Look, God. I was a good person: I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t cheat on my wife, I gave money to charities, and I was good to people who were good to me. How can that not be good enough?

Well, let me ask you a question: Let’s say an employee showed up to interview with you about a promotion at your company…and during the interview you found out that they hadn’t even bothered to learn the new corporate mission statement or, skim the book on corporate leadership you’d written, what would you do?

That’s not a fair analogy. They would have known I wrote the book. People don’t know- for a fact- that The Bible is divine.

Are you saying you would hand delivered a copy of your book to every employee, and said, “I wrote this… you need to read it.”

No…but they’d know that I wrote it through corporate memos, promotional events and media coverage.

Right. And that’s the same system I used with my book.

This isn’t fair-- I was a good person. Period. But there’s nothing I can do because you hold all the cards. So what’s your decision?

William, I have a confession to make: There’s one thing I can’t do: I can’t do things that are against my perfect nature. So I can’t make 2+2=5…I can’t fill something that’s already full…I can’t make up become down…you see?

And?

I can’t make a decision that’s already made.

What decision?

Concerning your fate.

So who made that decision?!!

Think on it, William. You’re a smart guy. It will come to you.